________________________________________________________________________

moving...

2009-02-18T00:01:00.001-08:00

www.aimeelastrella.tumblr.com

-peace :]

Dear Mr. Asshole,

2009-02-16T23:34:00.000-08:00

You can surprise me sometimes. I'm glad I consented into the peer pressure.

Congratulations, you made it in here.

.....

Another person perused my blog and wondered if they were in here and if they had an alias. Here's the thing, if you want to know if you were written about in here, you probably were. You would just have to read every single entry and try and recall from memory anything that happened between you and I, but many of the entires are place private (sucks!). That really would be the only solution that I see. Or you can just monitor this like crazy.

So could you be William Hayes? or the Australian? How about the Boomerang? Are you one of my nuns? Or the crooked priest? What about MC? who are you, I guess you'll never know.

- best

- the man I can't have.

- Jack (to my jill)

- sistahoe onblock

- william hayes

- cigarette

- OLD man

- boomerang

- nun 1 & 2

- willow tree

- crooked priest

- professor

- undercover agent

- choir boys

- MC brown

- Mr. Asshole

- and many more....

feel free to find yourself.

Love

2009-02-15T21:59:00.000-08:00

So little time and so many things...

We have all said that, but this time I mean it in the past tense, if that is possible. Well it has to make sense.

No, I am not in love- but so many things have gone on that I have a new grasp of it.

LOVE; it shouldn't be effortless because love obviously takes work, but it should feel effortless in the fact that you don't HAVE TO but WANT TO.

just thought I'd share some insight. LOVE.

-xoxo

(unfiltered)

2009-02-12T00:14:00.000-08:00

So in this entry I plan on writing the truth. Nothing else. So I hope everyone is prepared.

....

I want more in my life. Right now, I am stressed. There is a lot for me to do and so little time for me to accomplish it. I am really quite hesitant about everything I have to accomplish, but I love the feeling and the rush of being stressed. I feel that my best work comes from me being under pressure.

Maybe that's why I am not a big fan of my own blog, because when I write in here I often have too much time to think and I tend to over think my emotions, others actions, and just life itself. Over thinking is my downfall and I hate that I over think. But hey we all have things we don't like about ourselves.

...

HONEST.

I miss him. I miss the cigarette. As bad for me as he was, I miss him. Terribly. I know this is bad of me to say, but you know that feeling you get when you feel that no one else could possibly get you? I felt that for a long time, until I met him. I miss his smell, his smile, the way his clothes smelt like a filipino house, his sarcasm, and just the simple way we were. William Hayes, I miss you- I really do. I miss your presence around me and the butterflies you gave me when you were around. But I know I can't have you around and light up.

The alias of cigarette suits you, Mr. Hayes. Because with you I get a rush, without you I feel withdrawal and long for you, but in the long run I'm better off.

I constantly check up on you, Mr. Hayes. Although your actions disgust me and I have a large level of disdain for you, do know that I still care. You made me happy. I just hope you do the same.

Every night, I go out on our terrace and stare up at the sky. It is my time to just exhale everything out and unwind. But at the end of my last soothing breath my mind just goes back to you. I don't know why, but you are still in my heart.

I try to rationalize these feelings all the time. Saying that, I just miss the company. I miss someone being there, I probably do. Maybe I need another person, that's close to my perfect. I'll try, but I don't know.

I personally cannot wait until the end of February. My promise will be fulfilled to myself, I will have been six months single :]

...

I love being people's confidant. I love when they open up to me and let me in, but I hate it when they make a habit of it. For example, when they have a bad week and tell me or are mad at certain people and tell me- that is fine, but when it becomes a regular habit and you constantly call and want to talk for minor things or to just to complain, it bugs the heck out of me.

I'll be there for when it counts, but for a paper cut- I think not.

...

Part of me wishes I could know what could've happened that one winter break. The winter break where "we" ended and the other "we" started. You see, if you kept in touch over that break it I think it could have lasted. I think we could have made it, but you didn't and every single time I think about you now I wonder, "what if..."

I'm not going to lie, he DID make me happy. But a large part of me knows that you could have made me happier. Mr. Hayes had a reason for not trusting you, because he knew part of my heart he could never have. "If only, if only..."

...

put off

2009-01-29T15:18:00.001-08:00

So I have been putting off writing here, well because with every stroke of a key there comes a reaction. I'm not ready for the reaction. I know I'm not- so i compartmentalize.

I keep all my feelings and thoughts in a box, stored away in the back of my soul. To the dark depths, where you can't hear anything and the only way to get around would be to feel the wall and listen for any sound. But you won't hear anything. Everything is silenced when you get that deep into the depths of my soul.

If you know me well, you know that I'm quiet.

People reading this might think, no way are you quiet. But that just really shows how well you know me. And apparently, it is not that well enough.

You see, me writing in here is a way for anyone and everyone to take a step and light a candle into the compartmentalized areas of my heart and mind.

Which is more scary to see? I would tell you, but even I am to frightened to look for myself.

I have many thoughts, and most of them are written down, but for the ones I dare not speak or write; they're kept in a box. Locked up tight, with a key only I can imagine. You see, if you saw and understood the real me... you'd be let into a world far far to complicated to understand. And far off when no light reaches. You'd be in a place where thoughts have no seen reaction and words haven't seen the light of day.

I live in fear to let you see- see what I know and see what I feel.

greetings and salutations

2009-01-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

hello world, goodbye depending...

I'm personally kind of tired of depending on others. It is not like I am reliant on them and my sole purpose of being is based upon others, but the few that I do trust and depend on with all my heart, kind of let me down to a whole new level that I thought never existed.

I'm sorry, but I am really over it. I'm really done depending on you. Thanks for nothing.

world, hello. Welcome a new me.

where in the world is....

2009-01-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

... my best friend?

Everyday that I'm here, our relationship has changed more and more. It hasn't changed liked you promised me. Rather it has changed for the worse. If you forgot that you promised me that it would change, let me remind you of the night that you said goodbye to me you said it would change for the better.

and it hasn't. I don't know if your last post was to me, but in it you guaranteed that you'd be a changed man. I'm sorry to inform you that- I haven't seen it. But what hurts me more is that I haven't heard from my own best friend.

I love you, best. I need you, best. where are you?

But if this is the changed that you spoke of... I personally don't appreciate it.

william hayes...

2009-01-04T17:18:00.000-08:00

right now i positively almost hate myself. Why? you ask.

Because William Hayes has found the key and is knocking on my door about to come in. WHAT THE HECK!!!

I thought i stopped the cigarette habit and moved on, but stupid me let him slide right on back in on friday. And since then, talk about the non-stop what ifs.

All I can say is no more "what ifs" please. JUST STOP. All I need now is for you to either walk yourself right out that door or be ready to prove that you're something more than what you've given me. Prove to me that this break has done you good because although you might have waltzed right back into my life you are by far something that i need, want, or something healthy for me.

Austrailian William Cigarette Hayes, what do you have to prove to me to boomarang....

not in kansas anymore...

2009-01-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

So right now, i am sitting on the couch in my new apartment in LA. I am under a blanket, I have my laptop in lap, "Little Miss Sunshine" plying in the background, and i'm letting my fingers glide across the keys as the cold hovers over the tip of my nose.

All i can say to this is that it really is weird. I do feel really incomplete and I feel that it is because I left San Diego with so many things left unsaid and that is so unlike me.

it stings a little bit more.

2008-12-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

What is feels like is a freshly made paper cut that refuses to heal &&& grows a little bit more everyday.

That's what my heart feels like. It feels as though it has to work harder and harder to be happy every single day.

I refuse to start packing. I don't want to start because it really does mark the beginning of an end. It rattles me. No longer will I sit here and wonder but i'll move on. I don't feel that I'm ready. Ready to say good bye to a lot of things and a lot of people. I really feel that there are some people who just don't understand how much they mean to me. It just really hurts.

I hold connections to people really close to my heart. just to know that I won't see many people before i leave really breaks my heart. I tried to make every free moment last and give it away, but in reality 16 days just isn't enough anymore. I have too much to do and accomplish in those days. I have to shop, celebrate, pack up my life, and work. Then I leave.

I am sorry if I don't get to see you, but do know that you're the reason my heart hurts a little bit more every single day.

waaay too fast, but i like it.

2008-12-05T11:07:00.001-08:00

So in this past week, I found out that I need to move within a month. LA here I come.

After understanding this, every time I wake up I think to myself, "wow, I only get to do this a few more times before I don't wake up in this bed anymore." It kind of scares me, but what scares me more is the understanding that I'm going to actual school again. I am really going to challenge myself in an academic setting. It's a bit scary because it something that I haven't felt or done in a while.

I don't know, its just really awkward for me, I guess. I feel like I've teased myself in reconnecting with some SDSU people. Like here I am getting close again, but i have to leave you guys all over again. But this time it'll be worse. I don't know- i just feel that my heart is breaking a little bit more everyday.

I'm super excited, don't get me wrong.

but my heart hurts from the guilt.

embrace-

2008-11-25T10:15:00.001-08:00

I haven't written in here in a while and over this time many things have changed and I've grown. I'm not going to lie and say that he doesn't cross my mind every now and then, he does but the urge to have him around has been non-existent.

There are times where I am tempted to call to hear his voice but, not so much. I think the only reason why I haven't acted on these cravings for his voice is because I know him too well. I know that if I were to give him the gratification of me calling, he would have the power over the situation. And I would be once again backed into the old relationship stuck on that old habit known as HIM.

But other than that things have been a little rocky, but have grown better. Some of my friendships have grown weak and wary while others have been tested and passed.

I will not deny that my FIERCE counterpart and myself have not been close these past couple of months because we haven't. She has ventured into other social circles and so have I, but these past two months I feel have been a slight strain on our friendship. Hardly ever talking to each other even though we work in the same newsroom. To me, it certainly got strange and stranger as time progressed.

But now all I can say is no worries. This slight break or rift has been repaired. She is still my girl and I adore her. We've reconnected and come to better terms. But only time can really tell.

One of the new circles, isn't really a circle but just person. And I guess she is my new "amanda" hahah. In other words she can't share. I apparently have changed and I am not the same person. I do shady business she says and I'm not the same person. But all I can say to that is PUH-effing-LEASE!

I love you and all, but just because I have friends and cannot give you so much time doesn't mean that I've changed.

meeting is about to start t0 write more later :]

no brakes

2008-11-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm in a car that has no brakes. Life lately has been traveling so fast and I feel like I have no time to just stop, take a breath and breathe. I like it, but I don't at the same time. It is so exciting and exhilarating, but I don't feel like I could ever catch myself.

And the only people who could catch me aren't around, they're somewhere, but no where near me. I feel like I'm miles ahead and they can't seem to catch me and I can't seem to slow down. I need someone to stop me before I crash or find myself so far off and out there that I can't find myself back to where I was.

I just hope that Monday is gonna slow down before I pick up and go again.

move me

2008-10-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I just finished writing an eight page article on a tiny exhibit by visual artist Michael Schnorr. His gallery was tiny. It probably wasn't any much bigger than a typical college dorm room, probably smaller. But the fact that I found myself able to write so much about something so tiny, spoke to me.

I noticed that it really doesn't matter on how great or grand something, it just matters on how much it moves you. That art exhibit moved me. There are a plethora of things in life that move me that others would consider insignificant, but how much it pulls out of my soul and mind is nothing short of amazing.

This past week someone called me out. He did and he was right. As much as I hate to admit that he was right- I'll set my pride aside and admit it. But me just admitting it would not make anything go away and it wouldn't fix anything. In fact, him telling me was exactly like him highlighting my mistake in a book. No matter if i close it, flip to other pages- when i open it that bright fluorescent yellow will call for my attention until I address it.

So I took it upon myself to address the problem. Well, it was not really a problem but it was something that needed to be addressed.

The problem just didn't include me, it included other people. So I tried to take it to them and tell them. Well, when I tried to tell them, one of them heard me loud and clear while the other one just didn't want to hear it at all.

It was like a little kid plugging there ears with their fingers, closing their eyes and screaming "la-la-la's" so they just couldn't hear it. My guess is either he's too consumed with his life and other thing took up his time- which is fine, i understand. But my other guess would be that he had a slight fear on what I was going to say to him.

Would it be something he wanted to hear or not? I guess he'll never know.

I am a busy girl. My life doesn't stop for anyone, not even for me. So his inability to stop and listen- forces me to move on. And that exact action or to be more correct the lack of action, moved me.

Something so insignificant as not having time, was something so important. Something so little that moved me miles from where I was.

Maybe i can write eight pages on that, but on this- it lead me on a totally different course to where I'm dumbfounded.

something new

2008-10-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish something new would just come up. Its kind of ironic how I loathed the one thing in my life that created new things everyday so I took it out, but now I've become so accustomed to it; I miss it. It has become a part of me and I just can't seem to let that part of me go.

Well, something has popped up and is new- but I'm not sure if i want it. I know beggars can't be choosers, but still this is something that really REALLY is not necessary.

The giggle.

That is something completely NOT necessary at the moment. I know what the giggle usually means, but at the same time- this is a NEW giggle. I giggle so much. I rarely laugh, but this giggle is so awkward and different from the rest. I really just do not know what to think about it. Part of me just wants to laugh it off.

Other than that, life has pretty much been the same- BUSY.

enjoy my hiatus from people, thanks :]

The only thing you'll see of me

2008-10-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

This is probably the only thing you'll see of me in a long time.
I need time to "enjoy the aimee" (as Elian put it)

For the longest time, i've let being with someone else make me happy.
It's time for me to make me happy. So as much as you enjoy the aimee, I hope to as well.

PEACE :]

progress

2008-10-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

I have a lighter in my pocket, but I have yet to strike a flame.

I'm happy to say that I have made great progress in quitting the Australian Cigarette. I have not lit up, nor has there been an urge to boomerang. But there have been times where I just wanted to call him and hear his voice, but I know that as soon as the "hello" leaves my lips, I'd be back into my habit and off the wagon.

I actually have made progress, but I don't really think that this is the great progress I need to be making. I noticed it today that every single time that I'm not with someone, I am with someone. I know that sounds confusing, but it is true. There never has been a time where I haven't had a guy or two on the side. And I think that is horrible.

I don't need a guy to define me, but I think I never have filled that void since the Old Man. The Old Man was probably the closest thing I had to love, but it wasn't love- it was far from it. But he got me, he understood me and he took care of me like no one could. I am not saying that I still have feelings for the old man, because honestly- no. there is not a chance in HELL for that. But I have romanticized about the feeling he gave me 3 years ago. And I haven't had that rush in forever.

I feel like I must digress into why my heart still goes out to the Old Man.

I think that he has a place in my heart because in that relationship everything fell into place. It was so easy, but it was so difficult. He forced me to grow up. I was a foolish girl straight out of high school and he was practically ten years older than me with loads of life experience.

Take 10 years. Plus one kid. Plus a (legally-separated) wife. A slight incarceration. multiply that with a gang history and take all of that to the power of 15 for baggage. And that all equals up to a guy that I almost loved at the age of 18.

I grew up so fast and so much because of him. He got so much of me and ever since then I feel like there is this void that I've had to fill. And a shadow cast on every single guy I date because whoever i dated never seemed like they were ever enough in comparison to him.

Ever since that relationship I feel that there is this necessity to grow immensely. And if the guy, who ever he may be, doesn't make me feel like I can can grow with him and because of him the guy just doesn't seem adequate enough.

I hate so much on the cigarette when in reality I shouldn't. Well for the things that he did and the shit that he pulled, I should- but the Australian was a great guy. I will not argue that, but I just think that he really isn't enough for me and that's why I really kept my distance.

And maybe that's what I need from all guys, a little distance. Maybe for once in my three years of heart's journey I just need to embrace the person that I am and remove this shadow that the Old Man has cast.

Maybe I need to be the reason why I smile, not a guy.
And that realization alone is what I call progress.

lucky number 23

2008-09-28T01:52:00.000-07:00

so forgive me if this is late. and forgive me if I ramble, but I feel the necessity to write this down before I forget.

I have two of the greatest guys in the world in my life. They are the only males that will ever have an affect on my lifeand my heart. These two guys are my BEST and my KUYA.

No matter what goes on they have my heart and my back. And I will forever be eternally grateful for them.

My best, today was his 23rd birthday extravaganza and honestly he took time out of his beyond amazing party to hold me and stop my tears from running down my face. He knows everything. He has my heart. I really would never expect him to stop his party just to hold me to let out my hurt and frustrations. I know it was a buzz kill to have me cry on your shoulder, but honestly- that meant the entire world to me. To know that whatever may be going on (like a fiesta in your honor) you'd stop, put down the whistle and 151, and just hold me and let me cry for a moment absolutely shows me how much I mean to you. And that alone makes you probably the GREATEST BEST FRIEND EVER!

Abe, if i have never told you how much you mean to me- i'm sorry. But how can I express the world in one sitting?

My Kuya, I hardly see him or talk to him. And that alone makes me sad. But no matter what he is there. ALWAYS. There is no question about it. As the party was going on around us, he made me feel that it doesn't matter. That the only thing that matters is the fact that we were sitting and talking and he'll let me spill my guts out. He'll listen and try to understand, but what makes him probably the greatest is that he'll tell me how it is, regardless. He only wants to see me happy.

"ading, everytime I talk to you it is like you only have BAD news," says my Kuya.

And he's right, lately thats all i've been telling him.

Tonight, he opened up my eyes. He gave me smack in the face that was really necessary. And for that I cannot be anything but grateful.

So with that, I'm quitting my cigarette. William Hayes is a great guy, but it is time for me to not light up another. My kuya says I deserve better. And I do. I'm not cutting him out of my life, but more or less out of my heart. You may have a part of me, but that part of me i am willing to let go.

Both Kuya and Abe, don't understand. And tonight as I cried on my best's shoulder and spilled my heart out to my kuya, i came to a stong realization.

It took me a cry, a kiss good night, and a drive home to really let that cancerous torch out. Consider your chapeter done. In a romantic sense, but as friends we'll see because that has yet to be written.

Thank you, i have nothing but the greatest amount of love and gratitude for you two.

And MC brown, thank you-- the way I left put the period in the sentence and turned my page for the next chapter.

Happy 23rd birthday, best. I wish you the best, because you and kuya both have given me something. i'm lucky you turned 23.

cigarettes

2008-09-26T21:20:00.001-07:00

no matter what I say. I know that deep down inside the only reason I stick around you is because your like a poison.

When I'm with you its like a cigarette- I feel so cool, so calm, so relaxed, and so happy. But in the end I know you're toxic for me. You're habit for me. I'm addicted and I hate it, somewhat.

I need a healthier habit, but I just don't want to quit you just yet.

Because I'm your April and you're my William Hayes.

If you ever have watched "definitely, maybe" you'd understand.

Give it time you say, but right now you're the cigarette with salt paper that burns out way too quickly. And I'm sick of lighting a new one every time you come around, just to get that rush of feelings all over again.

You sit there unsure. You talk to me about all the other girls and you bring them around.

Every breath is like a moment we shared, stood still. And the feeling would go away just like when you exhale. Every breath felt great, but every exhale hurt me more. I grow more attached and enjoy having you around. I needed more, but you underneath all the greatness that was growing you were really hurting my insides.

You did things that hurt me, but I kept inhaling away just to get those brief moments that you gave me, without trying. Behind it all, you're just killing me to let me fall, again. A Higher and longer fall every time i decided to light up.

I want to quit the habit. But the habit just feels so good and so right for right now. You're the cancer stick, that I want to put out but at the same time- I have the urge to light up just one more time.

William Hayes, April wants to quit smoking, but she can't quit you.

test and trial

2008-09-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like everyday I am putting myself through constant tests. Will I have enough time for this? Should i stop and attempt that? Will i succeed or will i fail? But really, isn't the trial lie in the questioning of myself. The fact that I would ever doubt my capability or question my ability is scrutiny upon me.

I have been through a lot. I know I have. Handfuls of people know that I have a lot going on, but how do I know when enough is enough. I guess that answer is never. I'll never know when i've had enough because I'm never satisfied.

I have my hands in everything and i know that I constantly spread myself way too thin. But I think that is the beauty of being human. You learn as you go along, but I haven't yet. I haven't learned my limits to my mind and my body. But i guess in the situation that has arose, I will. I'll learn how far I can go and how far i can really push myself.

Someone recently told me, "your life is never boring. it's so dramatic."

That made me think, am I dramatic?

I don't want to be seen as dramatic. I already have so much going on, and drama is something i do not need nor do I want. Heck, I think that is why I don't ever get mad. Well I do, but not for more than 2 minutes. So am I really dramatic or is my life just really eventful?

After thinking about it, I conceded and agreed that to an extent I am dramatic. Only because with my life, dramatic changes were necessary. But am I drama- i doubt so.

I have dramatic tendencies, i will agree to that because I am young and I am a girl. But in all honesty, I think with my hands in everything and life being spread out so thin- my life cannot be anything else BUT eventful.

I don't ever think I've had a dull moment in life for the past 2-3 years and for a FIRST I'm pretty satisfied with that.

Test, trial, and tribulation. That's the way my life functions. get over it and LIVE.

fixing

2008-09-13T15:30:00.001-07:00

So after talking to Sean and Chris last night I've officially gotten over it.

They called me stupid.
And in a sense, they're right. I have a right to be hurt and to be mad, but not for the reasons that I was having those emotions. I was being stupid, but I believe in my reasons for having my emotions but i can't hold onto those forever.

I'm a tough girl and I'm a happy person. Why am I going to hold onto those emotions that are just going to make me dwell on things? NOT SMART.

i'm over it, still wounded. but getting better :]

breaking

2008-09-10T01:26:00.001-07:00

part of me just can't understand and part of me does but does not want to. I really can't wrap my head around the things my head has been thinking about these past two weeks.

All I can say is that everything feels like such a mistake. I wish I never came back to my old life. I should of left it back there in my past. Because right now, I'm feeling the consequences of letting my old life back in.

I feel like an idiot. A complete and huge idiot. Like I come back to my old life and i've just made a mockery of myself. All i can do is hurt and slowly build up my walls again. I hurt too much to even care anymore.

i'm sorry, but this is over.

OVER DUE.

2008-09-06T14:28:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't written in here for a while. Life has been pretty busy and I've been pretty preoccupied with it.

All I can say is that over this LOOOONNNG break from writing, I've been doing nothing but writing. My life is consumed by my art form. And my art form is my work. I only hope that my work, which is also my true passion, will come to fruition in the end. And my dream is achieved.

As I read back and journey back to old entries, people, events and so forth- I've come to notice that I've changed. I only noticed this because of those who only remember the old me, tell me that I have changed. I only hope that it is into a better version of myself.

"you're no longer sensitive to what others do or say. You don't hold anger as an emotion to feel, but rather as a second in time for it to pass. " -Tamara (Tammy)

I take life for what it is. If it is disastrous, I see it as a beautiful disaster.

I see it as, this" new version" of myself has crawled out of a dark tunnel of turmoil by herself. She used to tear down others in her life to get out, to only see that it brought her deeper into the abyss of night, not knowing where she would end up.

But now, its different. Miles away from that tunnel walking towards the light. I guess time apart from those in my old life, to encounter new ones in my present is what is different. But its nice to come back to those who created the person that the others love. To know that they still have a place for you. You're still in that circle. You still belong. But you're not engulfed in the circle. You have you're life and another to come back to...

All I can say is that growing up is fun. I encourage it. I have my own ways of dealing with things and they have all made great sense to me. They might not be your way of dealing with it, but I encourage those to get away from your usuals and your norms for a while. Allow yourself to see what else is out there and meet different people. Extending yourself to see what others see will help you see the growth that is necessary.

Thank you for the old. I'm in the new. But the old will always be home.

resolution

2008-01-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

every year i have a new year's resolution. Last year it was " forgive everyone and everything for anything." And I pretty much stuck to it.

I let shit go and I was waaaaay more happier because of it. But this year, I've decided on my resolution and it is "don't deal with the shit, let the shit deal with you." I'm sorry, but for this year if you have a problem with me then that is your problem. If i don't have a problem with you I'm going to let your shit be your shit. You can come to me and fix it when you are ready because my squabbles will be settled even before they start. There is no use in sweating stupid petty problems. life is waaaaay to short. We should all enjoy it.

"don't deal with the poop, let the poop deal with you"

yeah, I'm published.

2007-12-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

... what a great way to start my new year and holiday season :]

i am super excited. The piece is on tattoos and is stellar beyond belief- hahah. just kidding. but what I love the most is the newest article i've written. It was like an epiphany within an article. I had reached my moment of clarity and understanding while writing the article I absolutely and completely love it. SNAPS to me and SNAPS to that. hahha

look for it soon, its called "The One Friendship Law That is Always Broken." LOVE IT.

happy holidays :]

a whole lot better

2007-12-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

you don't understand how much it meant to me that we're somewhat back to how we used to be. It really has touched my heart. I've really changed in these past months since we've talked, but know that today really made my year. to know that we're still best friends after all of that, gives me a reason to want to come back down more often. I've missed you Abe. You truly are my definition of a best friend.

nothing can top this happiness right now.
thank you, abe. seriously.

(untitled)

2007-11-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

Someone once asked me how someone could mean so much to me.
and the answer to that is, I don't know- it's just a feeling you get when you realize when their not around. And thats exactly how i feel now a days.

People say that you never truly understand what something is worth until it's gone. Well, that exactly the case with me. I guess I never truly valued certain people until I didn't have them around as much.

and right now it's hurting so bad because probably the two people i hurt the most are the two people that I want back into my world. I'm so sorry, Abe & AJ. I truly am. I don't think you understand how sorry I am. I'm sorry for what i said/ I'm sorry for what it did to our friendship. And I'm sorry i let it get that bad between us. I'm just so sorry. I'll say it a million times over if i have to, but i really can't keep going like this. I can't keep wondering if we're ok.

i'm sorry,
aimee

it's been a long time.

2007-10-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

so it really has been a while since I've written in this blog.
and all i can say is wow, time flies when you're extremely busy.

I have a myspace, but i rarely actually use it.
I use my facebook, more than ever.
this is barely getting the dust rubbed off its url address.

so what have i been up to?

changing. that's what. I'm different.
i was stupid and lame.
I've learned a bunch from excluding myself
from the world i used to call home.
he was right i did need to take a long look at myself.
i wasn't narcissistic about it, but i moved on and i'm different.
it took five months but i'm ready to come back.
fix my mistakes and move on.

sincerely,
aimee

a few days past two months...

2007-08-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

so it's been two months.
and we still aren't friends-

i guess it's time for me to give up on you.
oh wait, i'm sorry- i think i already have.

(change)

2007-06-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

i could care less...

and from now on i will. ok? thanks.

2007-06-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

i'm not going to lie, not being on good terms with you kills me. It bugs the fuck out of me and it's killing me inside. I've read my entry 7 million times and I don't understand how you could've taken what I said the way you did. I really and honestly cannot. I'm sorry, but thats you- this situation, the reason we haven't talked, the entire explosion of the event was all you.

To me my entry said- i understood, I've moved on and I'm not going to bug you/nag you/hassle you about hanging out or that stuff anymore. My entry just stated the fact that we both were at fault and we both grew apart naturally. If you want to know something, every time I brought up hanging out I felt that it was such a drag, a bother to even have to bring up, like you never really wanted to- or that it was forced- so that entry that you got so worked up about more or less stated the fact that I don't want it to feel like that anymore.

I wasn't calling you out, I wasn't- I was just saying that I don't want to put our friendship in that situation. This kills me because I wrote that about two best friends and the other one understood and took it the right way COMPLETELY. And we are better friends now, because of it.

But you you're different. For one thing, I was a really good friend of yours and I thought I knew you better than you knew yourself. You were the epitome of a best friend to me, you were. But being that we are in this situation and we haven't talked at all in seven million years... here is what I have to say; You like power. You do. In any moment you feel weak, attacked, or anything of that sort- you feel the need to make someone else feel like a bad person. You don't like feeling bad. You don't like acknowledging your own problems. You like to brush them off, cut them off and ignore them. But here's the thing you can't fix a problem by ignoring it. You can't. You can't make me feel bad, ignore me, cut me off, or brush me off because I didn't do anything wrong. (I'll admit putting a link on your myspace was bad and the entry before it bad too, but the perishable entry was nothing of the horrible mess you made it out to be). You don't want to face the music when I say that we have BOTH ignored our close "best" friendship and we're back to square one. I said our friendship was like expired milk- we ignored it and it spoiled.

Oh well, we can always fix it, but it's back to a different carton of milk because we're both different people now then what we used to be. So please, re-read that entry and explain to me how you took it that way, because if my other best friend can take it the way i meant it to be taken- i can't understand how you read it.

so now...

2007-06-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

now its hard.
now its difficult.
but i guess now we're better off.

i have my life
and you have yours.
and hopefully we'll meet again someday.

i miss you, but you made it sound like this was for the best.
till whenever.

i'll go back to my life now.
Thanks, i guess.

friendships are like food...

2007-05-30T00:43:00.000-07:00

& some are just made to be perishable.

I'm not being pessimistic. Trust me, I'm not. But after writing that really nasty hurtful blog entry about two best friends that I thought DROPPED, but in a sense I have and haven't- I've come to the understanding that friendships are like food-- some are perishable.

You know those rare mornings when you find time to eat breakfast and make yourself a bowl of cereal. It was kind of like that. I pulled out my reliable honey nut cheerios out of the cupboard; then I proceeded to the refrigerator to get the milk, I poured it, put the cap back on, and took my first heaping spoonful of cereal to only be disgusted and spit it out. Then you look back into the fridge to only see that your very own milk has turned and spoiled on you.

That's exactly how I've felt for the past six months. EXACTLY. That's how I would describe my relationship with my two (sorta ex/old)- best friends, Abe and AJ. For all I know, they don't even know that I wrote that entry last night and basically announced to the world that they were the WORST LET DOWNS ever on the face of the earth, but I take it back and stand by that statement at the same time. I know it sounds confusing, but I do take it back and I do mean it with every being of my soul.

I love those guys. I always will. And they will always be my best friends, but I guess friendships have their durations. As people we change, whether it be a want, a need, or something that just happened to happen- we all change. And as we change so do the relationships we have with the people in our lives. Things happen, we deal, and we move on. People say a lot of things like "this time it'll be different, i promise." or "i can't wait for this summer it'll be me and you." a "i'll make it up to you next time i'm down", " this Christmas i swear", " as soon as finals/midterms/exams (you pick) i'll be around." and you just get tired of hearing them. You hear promises that are empty and words that are broken and you get tired of it and they lose their meaning.

Lately, I've gone through one of the hardest times of my life and all I have to say is there is nothing left to hold on to. These two best friends aren't best friends with me anymore, but they always will be. I guess you can say we've all changed. Things aren't the same anymore in our lives. AJ and Aimee constantly argue and now they just don't talk anymore. Abe and Aimee haven't had a quality conversation in about 3 months and haven't hung out (based on quality) for almost a year. We've changed. We don't pick up each others calls and you guys left me alone in the dark to deal with some of the biggest turmoils of my life. You let me down, but you've made me strong.

Our friendship is like the old milk I poured in my cereal. It is spoiled and it has changed and turned. It left a bad taste in my mouth but its still milk and will always be milk (even though its milk I'll never use). I'll always love you guys and you'll always be some of my very best friends, but our friendship has reached it's expiration date and I don't have any use in old spoiled milk.

I'm sorry I wrote those hurtful words, but they were kind of the truth. We've changed and I understand that and we'll both move on. I love you boys and I always will.

i'm sorry my friends, but you just ain't cuttin' it.

2007-05-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

promises are not made to be broken.

that's how i am going to start this off. with that statement alone, i found myself this weekend finding no need to have certain people in my life. I'm sorry, but you're just not cutting it. One things I probably hate the most is a LET DOWN. I rather you just don't say anything than to say something you can't even stand by. Honestly, don't say something if you're not going to keep up with it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. Point blank period.

so what i have you say to you is this.
I thought you were what you said you were. I thought you had my back. I thought I could trust you with my heart, my soul, my LIFE- but how can I trust someone who I don't even know anymore? How can I trust my all with a stranger?

so I am sorry, but I can't do that. You promised me something and you have yet to make an effort. so this is what I have to say to you. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for not being there when I needed you the most. Thank you for being the HUGEST LET DOWN- i have yet to encounter. You're not a bestfriend anymore. I'm sorry, but you gave me nothing to hold on for- except a bunch of empty broken proimises.

You (both) just ain't cuttin' it.
I don't hate you. You're still my friends and you still have a huge place in my heart, but you ruined this bond, this closeness and I have nothing more to say to you, but thank you- thank you for being a good best friend for the short brief time.

i wish you nothing but your best, because your best wasn't good enough.

update; reference #10

2007-05-24T10:13:00.001-07:00

i hope you read this loud &&& clear.

this is to you; the one who is scared that it's about you.
I'll be honest, it is about you.
at the beginning the calls were okay.
but when they became more frequent and more serious, it got scary.
Maybe your intentions were good and pure,
but that's not how i roll.

Don't you think its weird when some guy whom you never have met calls you every single night at the 2 or 3 in the morning?
Don't you find it creepy that after talking to you he all of a sudden breaks up with his girlfriend?
COME ON. RIGHT NOW i think you're creepy. I'm sorry for being so blunt and being a bitch- but you knew i was capable of this. YOU KNEW.
I never called you a stalker, but i said you were like a stalker. "you can act like one, but that doesn't mean you are one" but after this i might as well call you one. STALKER. STOP, seriously, Stop IMing me. Stop calling me. JUST STOP. ok?

sorry, but "this" just isn't my cup of tea.
and i feel that you have to understand that---

sometimes, it's best to leave the situation alone.

... because you'll end up making it worse than it was. PLEASE, just let me be. i don't want to talk to you- and I will when i want to, but i doubt that'll ever happen.

just give me my space.

i'm done.

2007-05-23T01:35:00.000-07:00

HECK, it's summer... let the good times roll.
call me.

what i want to do...

DISNEYland/6flags/seaWORLD
beach outings like every other day
DELmar/ SDcounty fair
hangout with my BEST, my KUYA, myFAVEY, and myBIGbrho.
LADY RHOS/ gen4-- have a lot of making up to do.
return to my "you're swimming like your a fish" (thanks danny) status.
CASEYbrillo, CHRISTYvilla-girlfriend, jesiccaOOBE HANGout MUSTTTT!
jennyMAGTOTS all summer long.
&&& ONE BOMB ASS BIRTHDAY, thank you very much.

there is so much more to be added to that list, but that is all for now...
but remember, a promise is not made to be broken.
SO YOU BETTER KEEP THOSE PROMISES, bitchessss.

update

2007-05-21T00:55:00.000-07:00

so i haven't written in this lately. not because I have forgotten about it or that i didn't have something good to write, but more in the sense that there hasn't been much time for me to write something. I've been really really busy. Like i never expected myself to be that busy, but I am. SORRY.

but here are a few updates for those that care:
1. I'm not dead.
2. I am finally caught up in school.
3. FINALS are a bitch, but i am almost done.
4. i miss my BEST, my kuya, favey, and my BIGbrho.
5. I miss JENNYmagtoto, janey, and MO.
6. I miss US_FOUR &&& a whole lot of people.
7. My daddy just retired from the navy this past Saturday.
8. I've narrowed my pickings to two schools.
9. This summer needs to be GREAT because this semester sucked; especially my BIRTHDAY.
10. There is this guy who keeps on calling me and i'd like him to stop. He is stalker like status- honestly, if i haven't called you back and I don't pick up your calls- obviously, i don't want to talk to you. okay, thanks- now please leave me alone.

and that's all you're going to get from me.
if you'd like more wait till TUESDAY or you can call me. mmk?
good bye for now.

i miss you...

2007-05-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

those words come out pretty easily, but it's different now.
now, i can honestly say after losing someone who meant the world...

when i say i miss you, i honestly and genuinely miss you.
I don't say it unless i mean it.

i miss a lot of you.
i miss talking to you.
i miss hanging out with you.
i miss seeing you all on a wonderful day to day basis. ... but it's not like that anymore.

lately, if i told you that "I miss you", i meant it.
i meant it more than I've probably meant anything i've said before--
right now, it's a different way for me to say, i need you.

hope contained.

2007-05-07T01:01:00.000-07:00

don't say that I ran out of hope, when i haven't.
I'm still me, still "the most beautiful of all the queer birds."
i sing the same song, and fly the way i always have.
been the bird that i always have been, but changes alter the arrangement.
it's still the same, but i'm not going to keep on guessing.
i'm going to need a clear cut answer. I'm still me, but looking for clarity.
I just don't understand why i should wait for someone to come around,
but more importantly WHY I HAVE TO WAIT ALONE.

I do have hope,
but don't hate me for living life.

like i said...
i'm playing the field;
until something better or WORTHWHILE comes along.
I'm not saying you're not good enough,
it's just that your answer isn't good enough.
I have hope for you.
I have hope for clarity.

BOYcrazy. BOYS are crazy.

2007-05-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

so i'm horribly horribly ( yes, double) sick and everyone knows that by now.
but who keeps me up all through the night- the entire night?

BOYS.

but i can't complain-- i like the attention.
so what, i'm just playing the field...
till something better or WORTHWHILE comes along.

in and out of consciousness.

2007-05-06T01:10:00.000-07:00

so i'm sick. really really sick. like if you were to talk to me i'd sound really raspy and really gross. scratchy. but one thing for sure is that through this in and out of consciousness i've had dreams and nightmares.

but life is starting to make sense
&&& be the way it's suppose to be.

still me, but not me.

2007-05-03T01:08:00.000-07:00

i have changed. i know it. and i'm not going to deny it.
it's hardly adingalings, us_four, 4thgen, or fashsmash, any other association.

i'm getting two tatoos, going to try and wear black for a year, another peircing (maybe), and going back to the Philippines. I started to go to open mic nights and reading my poetry and singing. more quiet and reserved. Still me, but not me. I'm changed.

one thing that hasn't changed about me is a particular view...

be my friend once, you'll be in my heart forever.
no matter how far we, you, or I stray apart you'll always have that connection to me.
fight, misunderstanding, or loss of communication-- doesn't matter- i don't care.
a true friendship will last; with no ands, ifs, or buts.

sorry, if its not the same.
but if you really matter- i'll keep you close.

out of body experience

2007-05-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

i've never cried so hard and have my heart hurt so bad as it did when i was gone. I also never been hit with such a harsh reality. She wanted it to end this way. She planned it. She taught me so much in life, but so much more in her passing. She really was my heart and my soul- and it will be hard to be the old me again, but she would want it so because she completely and fully understood me.

you used to tell me... "you're the most beautiful of all the queer birds" I never really understood, but now i do. For the longest time she understood that i was different, but instead of changing it she taught me to believe in the beauty of it. I love you grandma, and theres a hole in my heart and there always will be, but a soul contrived from you that'll last forever. I love you and I miss you, but more importantly thank you.

all my secret posts are now PUBLIC...

2007-04-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

and i really don't care. That's how i felt at that moment and there's no sense in hiding it because that isn't how i feel now.

hidden posts [recent- old]

i don't care if it's public, everything is...
MY date of birth: july 13th
Best; i watched the show
revealed

there were other posts in between the these past entries... but i deleted them :[

The people have changed.
relationships have changed.
and lets just say i can tell the greater difference.

i don't care if it's public, everything is.

2007-04-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how to put this or how to say this. But i might as well just come right out with it because I want you to know this. All I do know it is that almost a month ago I told you how i felt and in the beginning we had a few misunderstandings and a few fights, but we got over it. Now, it's different.

please don't think that just because something really horrible has happened in my life to the fact where it changed my feelings about you- it didn't happen like that. What did happen though is that they kind of faded away with time. A small part of me, still has those feelings for you and they probably always will, but it's not a whole lot to hold out for.

Half of me always regretted telling you because I knew it would be like walking around egg shells with my best friend. But the other part of me was relieved for telling you so i would never have to wonder "what if". But now, I'm not so torn about my reaction to telling you. Best, know that those feelings are there- but right now they are so small and insignificant to what is going on in my life. And I'm telling this only because this is one of the hardest times in my life and I need my best friend to help me through this. I need my rock to be strong for me and right now i feel that i don't have that because of the "so-called" feelings I had/have for you. But right now those feelings aren't as important as certain things in my life. So, I'm basically telling you that I want things back to the way they were. Only because I need things to go back to the way things were.

You can't help falling for your best friend, but right now isn't the best time for me to fall. I need my rock and my best friend more than anything else.

new

2007-04-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

there are new things going on in my life
that bring change of hearts...

god, help me find the strength to go on,
for i need it now more than ever.

not something wanted, rather something needed.

2007-04-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

i need to stop crying.
i need to be strong.

i want so many things in life, but right now i need you.
i need a rock; something, someone, or anything to be strong for me when
i'm weak.

forget other feelings- other emotions.
those don't matter; they don't exist.

a new pain; the worst pain.

2007-04-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

this wasn't the reason why i wanted to stay down.
it shocking how you can go from feeling one thing
to feel the extremely opposite in less than 24 hours.

I need to be strong, but I can't find the strength.
God, give me the strength to go on,
for I need it now more than ever--
my heart is seriously broken and it's hard to muster any feeling but sadness right now.
this is the the worst my heart has ever hurt.

Someone please, help me stop crying
and fill this huge empty hole in my heart.

up and down. up and down.

2007-04-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

last night was exactly what I needed. SERIOUSLY.
it opened my eyes and I saw some people and somethings that i needed to see---
but it didn't suffice my needs. So back I go. hahah.
1 week i'll be around. up and down. up and down.
those people hold me and keep me down. LOVE YOU.
see you this coming week :]

MY.date.of.birth: July 13th

2007-04-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

waiting for you is like waiting for Christmas to fall on my birthday-
it'll never happen.

back to the way they're suppose to be.
i was much happier then.

lemon-lade

2007-04-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

seriously, for the past 4 days I've been working till the wee hours of the morning. less than 3 hours of sleep a night and it's been seriously killing me, but I know it's worth it. better to be working my butt off now and enjoying my weekend, right? I have so many bills and things to pay too. this is really sad. But oh well, one thing i've learned in this experience so far is that there is happiness in every situation. you just got to look for it. And that without pain, without suffering- we would not know how to find or tell the difference of the joy in life.

so don't suck on a lemon and tell me that it's sour.,
rather work at it, and know that the juice is worth the squeeze.

its 2am

2007-04-10T02:05:00.000-07:00

i can't sleep. i have to work and it sucks. but no matter how much it sucks, I'm happy. Seriously, I am really happy- well not that happy, but happy none the less. I guess I'm really taking my somewhat satisfied entry to heart and mind.

in another entry I wrote that myspace kills. oh and it does, but it brought me home- it brought me to this feeling. I'm back to happy I'm back to me.

never question happiness &&& i don't plan to.

myspace kills all.

2007-04-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

so lent is over & that means that I can drink alcohol. I can consume ice cream. and I can FINALLY go on myspace.

I know that sounds really lame and so what if it is. I went on and noticed that Myspace is a murderer. Seriously, I went on for the first time and I was excited and all, but since I hadn't been on-- it kind of killed everything. It opened my eyes to things i didn't see and made me change my opinions about some things. But yeah. Things are different waaaaay different. trust me.

oh and you should see Stranger than Fiction. I love that movie.

somewhat satisfied.

2007-04-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

There's no way in turning back time or redoing certain events and making different choices that we had priorly made. There is simply no way of that actually happening. So what is there to do, but accept it. You may dwell, ponder, and worry; but that's not a way of truly and fully "living life."

As humans that's what we do, we live. No matter how tedious, how silly, how pointless, or how rushed- we live life, but one question arises and that question alone is to what extent do we truly live.

I used to define life as a spectrum. The number of things we accomplish, the dreams that we aspire of catching, and the hardships we overcome usually defined how meaningful life truly was. But lately, I found myself questioning my answer. To me, my answer fails to answer the question. Sure I happened to conjure a mediocre equation to the meaning of life; but it didn't answer if I honestly lived life to its complete and fullest extent.

Life is full of details, choices, and facts. With these traits life develops nuances, changes, relationships, fights, arguments, opportunities, misunderstandings, and basically more details, more choices, and more facts. It's cyclical, life makes an infinite amount of twists and turns all based on a common factor, mistakes.

And as humans, and as somewhat-perfect as we all want to seem- we all make mistakes. And with that notion, and these understandings this is what I have come up with...

Some can say that life is all about achieving that dream, having that lifestyle, or whatever else they wish; but to me life is still a spectrum but only measured in the mistakes we make and the cycles we conjure to get the most out of life.

May the outcome be good, bad, horrible, or make us terminally insane- you went to the extreme, beyond your comforts, and gave the experience life- something everything needs.

used to be...

2007-04-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

there used to be posts here, but I took them down-- that's happened a lot lately, but reason being that after certain things have happened to me I've chosen to keep more things to myself. Some things are for certain eyes, and this might be the only way to talk to them without actually talking to them, but they've read it already and they understand- so there's no point to leave it up for everyone to read.

but to that person... thank you for understanding. it means the world; and I'll see you when we are all ready. goodbye for now.

not the person i felt for...

2007-04-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

there was an entry here... but it's not worth reading anymore.

old post; implied in new direction

2007-04-02T01:04:00.000-07:00

if only life had a rewind button...

everything would be ok. And hearing nothing wouldn't hurt so bad- because sometimes saying nothing can say everything. And right now, not hearing anything and knowing nothing tells me everything I was afraid of.

if only life had a rewind button...

it wouldn't be like this.

re-affirming

2007-04-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

So just finished a movie night- and it was great. Two movies on play; Mean Girls & The Holiday. Two great movies in my heart forever. Mean Girls- basically a movie everyone loves. It has meaning- it has a point to add into life, but more importantly it gives light to the situation and a good laugh thanks to the writer Tina Fey and SNL inspiration.

The Holiday- it was surprisingly a cute slightly-awesomely ok movie. I'm not to fond of the cast as individuals but with that message and that story- they fit quite well.

i really don't want to kill the movie for anyone who has yet to see it, because I feel that you should see it- if you're in that somewhat cheesy cutesy kind of mood. But it was reaffirming for me to watch. For a while I had been pondering my actions to tell someone how i feel about them- I chose an action a week ago, and I've been second guessing it ever since. But now I don't see any point in second guessing. I absolutely love the fact that I said what i said-- well wrote what I wrote (in all actuality). But I'm glad, proud, and satisfied with my actions. I would never want to take it back. I feel what I feel, if I end up broken hearted and flat on my face, so be it at least they'd know and I wouldn't have to wonder what if- and i could just get on with life.

So I don't know if you have read it yet, but know that I'm not second guessing it anymore. I stand by what I wrote and i do feel what I feel. Call me crazy for being so unconventional. Call me strange for what I feel. Call me blind for not seeing it sooner, but at least I'm being honest with myself & you.

i visited my past...

2007-03-31T00:34:00.000-07:00

no, i got the saying right. I didn't get a visit from my past; but I rather I visited my past. I took a long needed drive this morning and found myself content. After all the things that have gone on lately; I'm okay. Which is probably more of a surprise to me than anything else. I've gone through a lot- i seriously have, I'm not going to lie about it. Anyway, I was driving and I really didn't have a destination to reach- well, I had a purpose and that had a destination- but no one said what time to arrive or how long I would stay or the duration of my visit. The only thing expressed was just to be there and eventually I knew that I had arrived.

I was being called non-stop by my old job for the past 2 weeks. They had asked me to stop by the office to track down a project for the catalog that had gone missing. I wasn't really all too excited to go to an office full of old people, sit at a desk where another girl has my job, and search through every folder in every drive for a project i finished 5 months ago- that took 3 months to complete. But surprisingly loved my entire visit.

My ex-co-workers are older than me. Majority of them are probably older than my parents or around that age. But what astonished me so much about my visit- was that it was like i had never left or quit or changed. When my old phone rang, I had a tendency to pick it up and say the routine "Good morning, Aimee speaking....." and I actually did that once- and the girl that replaced me stared at me like I was crazy. They made me feel as though I was home in a sense- although i hated the job, it was a nice feeling going back. Back when all of this stuff wasn't happening right now and everything wasn't so chaotic. I talked to three of my favorite co-workers and caught up on life and found out that there was a lot more to my desk job than my desk job, there was me. I kind of miss that, but I know that in reality if I were still there I'd be miserable.

But this entry isn't about me visiting my old job to look at dimensions and dielectric measurements, rather the drive before and after. In my mind I knew I had to go there, but I skipped it's exit and kept on going. For some reason inside i was numb and felt the need to get away. But its funny because being here is my away from there, and on my drive I noticed I was headed towards over there and away from here. And I took a deep breath and took the next exit and turned back.

on that drive, i was indifferent to the world around me- numb as a rock and stared only at the road ahead of me saying to myself- that was a nice vacation, but it's time to go back and deal with this stuff I called life. No matter how horrible it seems- It'll eventually be worth the drive.

if only life had a rewind button...

2007-03-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

everything would be ok. And hearing nothing wouldn't hurt so bad- because sometimes saying nothing can say everything. And right now, not hearing anything and knowing nothing tells me everything I was afraid of.

if only life had a rewind button...

it wouldn't be like this.

BEST, i watched the show...

2007-03-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

but more importantly, I watched you.

I really don't know why I'm doing this, but I guess now it kind of has to happen because it is staring me right in the face.

no matter how hard I try to play coy, shy, and submissive. no matter if I try to deny it; last night my denies just caught up with me. It isn't the situation that I thought that it was before. You see, because even though I didn't realize it before- I realize it now. I fell in "like" for you- I really have. but I'm scared. I'm scared of what it might do to our friendship, but the course of actions yesterday kind of proved to me what really is going on within me. For a while I denied it, I really did but now I can't because it staring me in the face. Last night I was hoping you'd call, but I knew you wouldn't because you were probably tired, yet I still wanted you to call.

Yesterday, my ex-boyfriend called me. It was weird- it was shocking, but it happened. We talked for about an hour or so, and that was it. We both understood in heart and in mind that we will never be an us. We just won’t- and I'm glad that we both understood that. We shared a few laughs and giggles and the casual news- then that's that. I guess it was the closure for our closure. I know that doesn't make sense, but in the relationship between him and I closure for our closure is what we needed.

Then I went to the show, and I swear every time you were on I smiled. I giggled like a little girl in my head. Then in the middle of the show, "he" called. Not my ex-boyfriend but the guy who always is undecided and doesn't leave me alone-- you know, my other best friend. Well, it was the first time ever where I didn't pick up and leave to go see him- I've always done that before. Always in a sense ditched my friends to go see him and last night was the first exception. Because in my heart I couldn't just leave. Sure, I have friends in the show- and I came to see them, but I know that they would understand (like they always have) - but I didn't want to leave because for once I finally noticed how much you truly captivated my "like" for you.

I know you feel that you're personal life is scary to analyze because in the end you'd feel depressed. You say that you can never find a girl that you can be yourself around. You say you always have encountered a girl who will flirt with you and make you feel so high and happy, but then she'll pull the rug right under your feet. I know you feel that you're personal life has suffered lately, but to me and with me it hasn't. I know you and you know me. But all those things can't happen now.

They can't happen now-- because the roles have reversed, you have the power to make me happy and at the same time you have the power to pull the rug from right under my feet. You know how I feel, but I don't have the slightest idea about you. I'm the one that’s confused, lost, and scared. I'm the one that's in "like" with you.

-your best friend

What if...

2007-03-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

i called you and asked you to be with me, would you leave her?

Honestly, you can't deny that we fit. We wouldn't turn to each other every other time for no reason. You understood and waited and I did the same for you. I waited. Now its time to own up and be assertive to a new and different extent. Don't call me and tell me you miss me and that you want to spend time with me. It's been three years already. You told me everything and I told you everything. We don't hide anything from each other, but THIS. So if I called you would you answer? And if i asked you that question, what would you say?

resemblence of a broken record.

2007-03-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

there's this old classic song that is replaying and repeating in my head.
I kind of want it to leave, like the song is how I feel,
but not completely.

i want you to want me.
i need you to need me.
i'd love you to love me.
i'm beggin' you to beg me.
[etc. and so forth]

well i want someone to want me- there is no specific "you", but now that valentines day has passed and all is said an done- I feel that my want of a companion isn't based on a silly holiday, but on the truthful matter of my heart.

So basically switch the lyrics to....

i want to be wanted.
i need to be needed.
i love if i were loved.
[etc. and so forth]

& enjoy the healthy dose of reality :]

killer insomnia...

2007-02-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

having insomia
makes you take a little bit of reflection.
&&& maybe i don't want you out of my life,
and maybe i don't hate you.
you'll always have a place with me.
because of the person that i fell for...
not the person you became.

love me or hate me, have me or don't have me....

2007-02-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

seriously, I really can't play this game.
We played this waaaaay before...
waaaaay before college-
waaaaay before the relationships.

we laid out the pasts for both of us to know.
we go on blissfully open and untied.
one day- BAAAAM.
the end.

mmmk. thanks. STOP- you can't keep pulling me only when you want me.
I drop so many things for you becuase you say i'm too busy.
but when it comes to your turn you simply can't deliver.
I'm sorry things aren't one sided. they're RECIPROCAL.
so this is it. Have me-don't have me.
you've picked, you've choosen.

because you can't go back.
I believe in second chances,
but your 2nd chance is used up.

cut, cut, snip, snap, &&& paste...

2007-01-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

whaaalaaah, call it a revival, a revamp, a chance or whatever you wish...
but it's different- it's new; big changes in and out.

so someone asked me the other day...
"what's new???"

and i said, "everything."

they had this puzzled look on their face and said, "everything can't be new."

i replied "oh yes they can -one thing can change everything."

they said "example?"

I said, "LIFE."

over break and even before break- a vast amount of things have happened to me. For example, I no longer go to SDSU-- well for a year at least. Due to unfriendly actions with dire consequences. In short story form a friend stole my book which had my final project in it. final=30% of my grade- thus fucking me over and presto--- i no longer am an aztec for a year due to academic holds. Sure, i'll admitt i cried over it-- for a total of about 2 weeks. barely any sleep, a bunch of tears- and loss of appetite for food and life.

The post before this was never posted, it was put privately just for a cleansing emotional purge. but as I read it over I kind of was taken a back a bit and realized- WOW, I really and honestly regret that. I regret knowing him, meeting him, and being with him. So stuck on this hurt- this neglect- this shit, that this part of my life is new. it's a new chapter if you will. I do not know him. Nor do i want to. He had my heart, but could care less. All I can say to this mother fucker is Thank you--- thank you for showing me what I do not need in my life; and that is people like you. If you could care less about be, then fuck you and goodbye I don't need you nor do i want you. I really fell for someone I shouldn't have even trip over.

I believe that and I stick to that belief now and forever. Why surround myself with that negativity? I don't need it so it's CUT and he's CUT. just like another part of life...

I know someof you are thinking; Oh my gosh Aimee. If that whole Book thing happened to me I beat the shit out of whoever did that to you. and yada-yada-yada... but to that i say hold your breath, put down your fist; and this is my battle to fight. Honestly i don't plan on fighting it. The person who stole my book made their decision. They chose to take it- i accept that. Sure they fucked me over, but what is me being mad at them going to solve. What me fighting over it going to solve. NOTHING. so all i can say is drop it- it's in the past. and that's that. ANGER, GRUDGE, and HATE- another thing CUT.

Smoking. Has anyone ever told you that it was bad for you? Well it is. Probably the fact that i picked up the habit last year- i won't ever sing the same way i used to. my range is gone and shot. it's seriously not that great at all, but manageable. What really sucks though is the fact that i tore my ACL last year- and it healed worng. and along wiht the smoking habit... i probably fucked myself over... thus i said SNIP. it's a nasty habit- i don't need it. GONE. i am currently a non-smoker.

now for the PASTE. changes in life are all about attitude. Bad attitude equals bad change. Pleasant attitude equals...well you get the idea. And after the 2 weeks of crying, sleep depervation, solitary confinement, and non-existant appetite. I woke up one day and said there is a HUGE negative boulder in my life and i need to fix it. Thus the changes. The biggest change is the one thing i added to life... my attitude. it goes like this...

-to forgive anyone and eveyone for everything and anything. regardless. [because it's not my job to judge you- the only one who can judge you is above you]
-&&& to realize that life hands you many things-- you live it. you'll in the end love that you went through it. and realize that you've been blessed with overcoming that turmoil.

the two things that probably made the most sense to me this entire time or BIG changes. So that's it... cut, cut, snip, snap, and paste.

what has changed? everything.

so tell me why..

2006-12-01T10:05:00.000-08:00

... i fall for the guys that I really never should ever even trip over.

and the guys that do like me, i have no interest in them what so ever.
well i can't say what so ever, but they tend to have BIG things wrong with them
and i just can't see myself "happy" with them. infatuated sure, but not happy together.

so in all actuality, only a few people knew, who exactly my "crush" or "liking" was in particular.
but with him i could honestly say that i liked him for him and all of him, not soley on looks, or just on personality, but everything.
I like his style, his smile, his hair,his smell, his laugh, his sarcasm, his lack of caring, his intellect,
his focus, determination, and all of the above - plus what he has to offer.
but most importantly i loved the fact that he makes me want to become a better person.

but it can't work out and it won't because of one reason...
i should have never liked him in the first place,
i fell for a guy that i never trip over.

it sucks, i hurt, i'm sad.
i look into his eyes and ask where's the guy that i kissed,
and i guess he left & the last kiss was a goodbye without me knowing.

oh well, in his words...
"if it's not reciprocated, oh well- fuck it."

all i want for christmas...

2006-11-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

is you....

just kidding. I really wouldn't like that, but i would like the following if you like to give it a try.

ELECTRIONICS
- a PINK DS:]
-nintendogs & big brain academy :]
-a Wii :]
-a new iPOD [ i believe someone is getting me this already]
-cannon powershot SD900

CLOTHING
-nike blazers SHOES,
- SHOES,
-converse tweed SHOES
-jacket
-anthropologie cardigan

MANDATORY NECESSITIES
-MONIQUErosal
-adingalings to be reunited
-time with my rock

ART
-paint brushes
-paint
-canvas boards
-sharpies [black]
-sketch books

RANDOM
-giraffe build-a-bear with cute message :]
-chapstick :]
-BLACK goldfish :]
-bigger fish tank

JEWELRY
-heart/leaf necklace
-charm neclace
-angel wings necklace [silver]
-heart locket watch necklace
-rose posts earrings [white]
-button post earrings [black]
-mutli-charm braclet [muti-charm, NOT the skull one]
-charm braclet [in gold]

PURSES/BAGS
-Doctor bag [in sienna]
-granny satchel purse [white/stone]
-framed emily tote [olive]
-tuilieries tote
-lamplight shoulder bag

SCARVES
-cargo pocket military scarf [olive or black]
-geometric scaf [black/white]
-stripped pull-through scarf

more will be added.... to fit all price ranges :]

publish a newspaper about it.

2006-11-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, as I was with my family partaking in the glutony- my Auntie came up to me and asked me, "how are you and your boyfriend? why isn't he here with you?" and it hit me like a slow moving bus, I really keep things apart and separated.

Not only did my family not know about me being single again, but they didn't know that I broke up wiht my EX practically half a year ago. My question to them was-- where have they been??? but in reality, they were asking me the same thing.

Then my cousin comes up to me and says, " I think that's really cool. I wish my Girlfriend could do that." For note, i haven't seen this cousin in like four years- but apparently through the grapevine he had heard that I had a boyfriend, his name, his major, his age, his everything. But what amazed him was the fact that people didn't know.

They found out I was with someone in March/April- when I introduced them to him at FCN. Then the word got out and spread through out my familial community. They barely met him and we were already moving in on our 3rd or 4th month of our relationship. Then it takes them twice as long to figure/find out were not together anymore. My cousin thought that was crazy cool.

He went on to telling me how his girlfriend and past girlfriends would tell everyone and anything that would listen. How their business was everyone's business and how he didn't and doesn't appreciate it. But what it shocked me- how astonished he was that my lives are separated. Personal is personal. Public is Public. Friends is among friends. Family with Family. I'm not saying that I would be mad if they were to inter-mingle, but i just don't see the need to put out a newspaper about it.

happy holidays :]

life has been...

2006-11-22T01:23:00.000-08:00

interesting.
fun.
complicated.
worth it.
hurtful.
stressful.
tiring.
enjoyable.
laughable.
and great.

i'm thankful for everyone and everything that comes my way-- good and bad.

especially for my four fantasticas, cousins, friends, loves, confidants, last but not least my BEST abe :]

social/personal life

2006-10-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

so lately, i've announced to the world that I have had a change in tune and I hvave a new perspective. a CHANGE if you will, within myself & over all i'm quite pleased.

its different,
no longer 10+ off to the side.
no more leading on
no more "mistakes"
no more looking back
no expectations.

...just take it as it is
& enjoy it for what it is.

thank you

2006-10-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

So after a high needed and interesting weekend,
i've come to say eff it;
past is past-
smiles and sparkles.
life is my box of chocolates-
you'll never know what you're gonna get :]

clean slate.
& thank you.

2006-10-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

So lately, one of my few confidants int he world have created a language to talk because in the rare times tht we see each other there are always people around when we want to talk- thus us creating a secret language that only we can interpret due to multiple meanings. But ever since we've created this language I can stop shaking and quivering, and my eyes constantly transfer to this dazed and glazed state.

A side-effect; if you will to this secret language we have. Because with this language we can be RAW, i can be sompletely honest. I can spill my heart out and let the world know that this is what this is; without the world actually knowing. but I think the trigger that cocked the gun was the conversation that happened last night between myself and my close-confidant. For the first time, I admitted to anyone where my heart lies. There are multiple stories out there- I know there is a story saying that I'm a whore/slut/hoe, there's one concerning the fact that I don't know where my loyalties lie, another saying that I'm MIA, and the infamous Aimee is a shit talking bitch.

Call me an incognito, a spy, or a master of disguise because I will admitt that I can see where all these roles are coming from- but I also have to ask you after this whole thing is over... where do your loyalties lie? because in the end it won't be with me and our friendship. I'm sorry have you never openly dated people? Honestly, it's not like I had gone off to go have sex with numerous guys and have the next one standing outside the door waiting for his turn. Plus, I'm not the one who collects the oppsite sex's numbers for a pastime. That's whore status, and that's not me. I'll admitt I'm MIA, but I'm sorry I would like to hangout with you but hanging out wiht you tends to cost me money- and in order to spend money you need to make money. I will also admitt that I am a bitch- at some moments in time, but those moments are highly RARE. but the shit talking, i'm sorry- it's not shit talking if its TRUTH. but if you continuously want to say that I am talking shit about you go ahead, because i'm not dumb and i sure as hell ain't deaf. so you go ahead; i'll let you have your cake and eat it to, because one day kharma is going to bite you darn good in the ass.

but back to the cocked triggered shake and quiver.

Y- 0 SdoubleLL L_X -B- FE- -GA & my AA is T_O o_W_k, how to S- -pK Ol. iLit.

revealed.

2006-10-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

Will you please tell me how I should feel, because honestly I don't even really know anymore. Honestly this past week has been nothing but a huge roller coaster that I just shut my eyes on. I'm human I love the rush, but this rush of up and down emotion is getting me sick and I just want to get off the ride. So I'm basically latched and buckled into my seat, with my eyes closed, waiting for this ride to finally get over with; but in all honesty it doesn't look like I'm getting off anytime soon.

I only say that because you know the feeling when you're pulling into the docking station of a roller coaster how it slightly gets slower and the clicks of the track get louder and louder - till your body is generated forward by the harsh brake- that feeling hasn't even come close yet. Like I see the docking station, but every single time I think the coaster begins to slow down it jolts with power all over again- and instead of my shoulders being pulled forward by a harsh brake- I feel my body rush to the back of my seat as the roller coaster sets me up for another huge downfall.

I know you're probably wondering, "What are you talking about? you're talking about a roller coaster, weirdo." Call me weird, but that honestly is the truth of how I feel. I can't produce a string of straight and direct words to describe how I've been feeling for this past month, but this is the closest you'll get- a synthetic situational simile because that's all I can offer & afford at the moment.

If you really wonder why I feel this way & care & saw me everyday; you'd already know. If you don't really give a rat's ass, and you're probably reading this as some light reading as you relieve a heavy load from your inner bowels- good for you. I'm glad a glance into my inner persona eases the passage of excrement. But still, the reason I feel this way in all reality is a culmination of events that has created this concoction, constructed this roller monster, and that has inevitably strapped me in with no intent to let me off or out the wretched ride, called my reality.

I don't mean to put anyone on blast- never would I mean to in a million years; but fuck- call it a million years because hello, I’m not talking shit, because it's not shit if it's true. I will refrain from using names on here- due to my respect for people's privacy- and the fact that I that's just not how it works with me. You can talk about me all I want, but on here this is what I say; this is my refute, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt and I will not plaster your name on here like a billboard for everyone to see, judge, and ridicule you for.

uno.
So tell me how it feels now that I don't sit on your executive board. Honestly, tell me. Like I could read it on your face- I know you feel that you won, so congratu-fuggin'-lations. You did. You created a code/ethics policy that I couldn't agree to/ abide by- thus having me forced to drop my position. I'm glad you feel accomplished and I'm glad you got what you wanted; but you know what I have to say you to is? Nothing. Nothing because I really can't understand how you can say one thing one week and do the exact opposite a week later. I really and honestly love the organization and the general members. I love you all as individuals [some more exceedingly well than others] But I just want to see you be in a situation where you put me. Cornered and forced. Silenced and with your hands tied. With no control of the situation, but still jumping back into that hell hole faced with all the ridicule of the things you forced me into- not knowing where your going, but hoping someone will catch you. But in the end you're left with nothing but yourself in a hole that you can't get out of. Where you are left with nothing and stripped to the littlest you've ever felt. No trust, not in anyone; yet you confide in those people again a week later and they silently celebrate in their whispers that you're finally gone. There are some of you who this doesn't apply to and you should know that- you made an effort and it meant the world. You shouldn't even question it, but if you need any clarification; Andy, Traci, trinh, Alex D., Lisa, Alex N. Klarissa, Jonathan, and last but not least, Ralph. You all made an effort to pull me out and get me back in the ring.

So this isn't applied to you. But for the others NOT on that list- I’m not saying that you were the cause, because heck some of the people on that list were the cause to my inner turmoil and fall- I’m just saying you weren't there. I know you had good intentions and I respect that- I'm not saying you're evil people, I'm just saying you didn't take the time to know me- you have no idea what state I was in- and honestly you're actions spoke louder than your words. you didn't know- you weren't willing to know so thus you cared, but not that much. So I hope you're happy.

situation 2

I know I'm not around, and I'm sorry- so does that give you lee-way to talk shit about me and then take me out of something I felt that I was a part of? You look at me with disgust- like I don't belong. It was the six of us, now apparently because I'm rarely around it's the 4 of you? I know you're saying we didn't jus do it to you- the other one was like that too. Well the other one didn't take it heart as much because well- two of these people weren't her best friends and the other one was a close friend. And the forth, well the forth she's a friend; but when I look at her in the eyes its very vindictive. She looks at me with disgust- so what am I to do. Leave me out, go ahead. But if you really cared if you really loved if you really understood- it wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have to act like I never felt that way. And I never would have left in tears and I wouldn't have to act like it never happened.

numero tres.

I'm going to write this in another language because I would never ever ever want to put a person this close to my heart on blast- Never, but they mean the world but they hurt me so badly.
here it goes..

situatie drie, betreft "mijn rots". Hij is zeer belangrijk voor me en ik houd van hem met al mijn hart, maar ik heb hem verloren. Hij is niet meer rond en het kwetst me. Het vindt ernstig als ik niemand om heb te draaien aan. Hij was mijn bron van licht en geluk sinds mijn exboyfriend. Als u deze beste vriend leest; Ik houd van u, maar ik weet ik u heb verloren. Ik zou dit eveneens kunnen beëindigen waar u [ omdat u het vrij ] duidelijk hebt gemaakt wilt, omdat ik werkelijk niet meer gekwetst wil worden. Ik wil u daar, maar u wilt niet zijn daar. Ik houd van u en ik zal altijd, beste. U hebt mijn hart en I echt adore u.

"Laat de kaarten vallen waar zij..."
kunnen maar ik heb grootste deel, de mijn andere helft verloren.

cut myself out before I lose anymore.

FREAKIN' f*ck

2006-10-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

ok so i'm on my lunch break and my boss walks around the building;
and i'm talking with my co-workers and then he yells "HEY" and startles everyone.
WTF- we can't talk on lunch break, forget that. that's definate WHACKscauce.

content

2006-10-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

yes, that is my current stance opposed to anything else. Call it exhaustion call it beign lazy, but in reality i'm tired of constantly fighting literally, physically, mentally-in any sense. I'm tired, and I'm deciding to cave in and let it be the way the wind may take it.

Today is a big day, I give the announcement that could possibly make life easier or make life more difficult. but either way- i can't agree to what you're asking me to sign- thus i am not going to sign it. sorry. FORCE me out, go ahead- i'm not that affected by it. Like i said before I'm tired of fighting these constant battles with you. I trust you and i respect you- i have your back, but i just can't sign that- so that ink won't touch that dotted line. sorry, but i quit. the end.

If you question my passion because of my decision ; i can counter argue. I WANT to come back and i'm willing to come back- but your forcing me out. I can't sign it so i won't, but don't say that I don't have passion and that i don't do my work- because you'd be lying to others and yourself. I handle my stuff and others.

Please try and understand, I LOVE YOU GUYS i do and i respect every single decision you make. We have to same goals and we want to accomplish big things- if this the the way you think it should go and I stand in your way- let me step down and aside because i'm tried of the constant and different battles. Let it and leave it be. BEST of luck.

ergh, I also have a a midterm today and i'm at work blogging. haha

confused; times seven

2006-10-01T00:34:00.000-07:00

I really don't know how to put this into words, but fuck- seriously, I'm really disappointed in myself. I've come to the realization that in reality, life is pretty ugly. But in the long run it is a beautiful disaster. Like we hit all these bumps in the road and break to the most weakest area in our lives, just to pick ourselves back again. But I guess that is how we grow into the people fate wants us to become.

Fate; I truly don't believe in the concept. But I do believe that if things are meant to happen they shall happen. I also believe the there is a reason for everything and that everything has a purpose. Don't bother telling me that I'm reiterating in that one sentence, because I'm not and I know I'm not. Reason is something we search for as people and purpose is something we question not search for. Call that confusing, but also is Fate.

The reason this entry is titled "confused; times seven" is because I am literally confused times seven. I constantly ponder every little thing and complain/vent/whine over stupid things that I want or dislike in my life; and either they're there already and I don't see it or I really want it there, but I just say I don't. Call that a contradiction of mindless thoughts, but it confuses me so much.

This past summer I talked to certain people on how I could never forgive someone for what they did to me. I even convinced myself of it, but now that I look at it-- I can't and I haven't. I say I've changed, but have I really? This person means the world, and their chapter will never finish in the book of my life until they aren't such a constant. If I constantly don't have this person around- they'd honestly be out of sight and out of mind and they wouldn't linger on so many thoughts. Don't take this as me saying I don't want some of you in my life, because it doesn't mean that at all. What it does mean though is; how can I expect myself to take this person/or people out of my life if my life surrounds things that their life also surrounds? I can't - it's simply not possible. I don't want to changed something I like in my life, just because we share that commonality. So you just simply have to deal.

Something happened to me this week that I'm kind of taken aback by. Like seriously, If I think about it I'm kind of disappointed by myself and disgusted with my actions, but I'm also proud of myself because it kind of proved that I was over a past part in my life. I'm not going to go into specifics- not at all, because that simply is not needed at all. If the person is reading this, don't take it as though it was you, but it was me. I'm disappointed with my actions, not the fact that it was you. Plus, if it were with anyone else I'd probably feel worse about it. I'm sorry, but I do regret it in a sense. I enjoyed don't get me wrong, but I am better than that- I don't want to be that one girl kind of person, because I'm not, but I walked away kind of feeling like that. I'm not someone you can call for those kinds of things. Sorry.

I'm kind of mad, really my BANK -WAMU- sucks. Not really, like they have their rules and regulations but like shit. All my money is like going to the bank. I opened a bank account to keep my money and then I open a savings so I'm not tempted to spend my money. Then the bank automatically puts my money in my savings if there haven't been transactions in like 2-3 days. Then when I do use it after those 2-3 days pass I'm bombarded with over-draft charges; which is like $25 a transaction. And like my transaction will be at Aztec Market for a drink or a pack of gum and I'll spend like $2 then I look at my statement and bitch bank charges me $27. FUUUUUCK. The I'll transfer money over to the checking account to cover the overdraft charges then the bank with charge me another $3 for moving the money to a temporary $0 balance. Then a couple days later it will move money over again- which sucks balls. Oh well, right, the bank has to make money some how.

So my father just came up to me right now and decided to talk to me about how he never sees me anymore. Seriously, I don't see much of anyone anymore. I get up at like 430 to get ready for work & I leave by 545 and I'm at work by 640 to start work at 7. I work until 2 or a little earlier or past- depends on the day. Then I'll go to school from 3-10, be home by 1030 and study till the wee hours and then sleep for like 2 hours to wake up and do it all over again. Honestly, I don't see my family anymore and it sucks like Sunday is the only day, literally. And that's sad, but that's life. Oh well, right? I'm glad I'm quitting in November though this job is taking too much out of me.

Other than my family missing me. I know my friends miss me too. I know I'm hardly ever around but I do want to say thank you to those of you who actually sit and wait for me to come on campus in the afternoon. It means the world. I know some of you end at like 1 or even 11 and to know that you wait until 230 for me to arrive and talk to me or have lunch with me it means the world. I am trying to be around more, but it is hard. Really really hard and I'm sorry.

I feel that I'm losing some of you. Some that mean the world to me. My rocks- I kind of feel as though you're not around much anymore or that we just aren't as connected. hmmmm. I miss you and you really are true parts of my life. I'm sorry I'm not around, but that doesn't mean I don't need you or that I'm not around for you because I am.

wow that was lengthy.